As A Woman

I’m Not Worthwhile, or Maybe That’s Not True

January 8th, 2024
I feel great today. No sense of not being worthwhile, no wondering why anyone would ever want to accept me or put up with me. However, 6 days ago, I was giving up on myself.

My dear friend, Myra, lives almost 5,000 kilometres away from me. Much farther than our 1 kilometre separation before I returned to my home province. It’s what I wanted for myself but it was hard on the relationships that I built living away. I’m still figuring out how much that move impacted some of those relationships. I didn’t know I meant that much to them, in particular to Myra. We’ve done a great job at maintaining our friendship but we’re only now realizing that it’s not the same and we’re understanding more deeply what exactly isn’t the same.

I phoned Myra last week to chat, as I often do when she comes to mind and the timing seems ok. Being 3 time zones away, our schedules, her family, and all the other life things can make it tricky to find time to talk. During our chat, I shared concerns that I have with my brother in hopes of getting some understanding, acknowledgement, and sympathy. As I shared my concerns, Myra thought they were a subject for debate and input. This didn’t go over well as I felt unheard, rejected, and misunderstood. She felt helpless, confused and overwhelmed. As she gave me her perspective on the story and alternatives of viewing the situation, I became frustrated and said “I’m just sharing a story with you about how I feel. I’m just looking for understanding, not for advice or for you to solve a problem.” Myra proceeded to tell me that all I ever want is for her to agree with me. She continued to rant, pointing the finger with “You you you, it’s all you”.

This is where I learned about some core beliefs entrenched within my being. I’m wrong, it’s my fault, I’m not worthwhile. Myra wanted me to answer her rant but I didn’t want to. I listened to it all, took it in, felt a lot of shame, hurt, self-blame, and like my world was getting small. I told her, “I’m sorry but I have to go. She became sad, knowing that she had hurt me and we promised to talk again.

This feeling surprised me but at the same time it was very familiar. I thought I was getting over “not being worthwhile”. In that instant though, the feeling came rushing back as strong as ever. It felt so true.

This experience opened my eyes in several ways:
1. It’s important to be careful with what you communicate and how when you’re upset with someone, especially someone close to you. Your view or opinion of them probably matters more than that of an acquaintance or stranger. You likely don’t know their negative core beliefs about themselves and whether you’ll say something that reinforces that belief. Most people would want to help those close to them work through these negative core beliefs. Unfortunately, misplaced negative emotions could do the opposite.
2. Being present and self-aware had some advantages. I was able to respond in a controlled manner, without lashing back based on my emotions. This ensured I didn’t hurt Myra with an emotional response. I’m happy about this as it aligns with my values and the person I want to be. We were able to step away from the conversation until we both had time to think. In the past, I would become defensive, retaliated and tried to hurt them back.
3. Even though this negative core belief was triggered, I was able to see it for what it is, reminding myself logically that it isn’t true. This is due to a lot of self-work and is a great reminder that my hard work is paying off, even if it’s painfully slow.
While I still hold this belief (for now), this negative experience is a positive impact on my journey. I’m closer to believing that “I’m not worthwhile” is not true.

And P.S., Myra and I worked it out.
What Compels You to Seek a Relationship?

November 7th, 2023
The following is not meant to be discriminatory in any way (sexual orientation, family type, family arrangement, etc.). It is a thought exercise as it relates to my life experience.

I feel more authentic and “like myself” when I’m single. Codependence has been my natural response to relationships. I learned it from my parents and other couples that I knew. It seems very rare to me to come across relationships that aren’t overly codependent. When I was in my last relationship I felt highly stressed and anxious, so I sought out a therapist. I wanted to make sure that I was doing everything I could to support my relationship. I opened myself up to my therapist so I could be told where I’m going wrong. What I ended up learning was not how to change myself so I could make the relationship work, but to find my sense of self so I could stand up for my needs and wants. This is all getting off-topic and I’ll save this story for another day…

So now I’m single since over a year. I signed up for online dating and felt like I was in a rush to find another partner. I want to have children and the clock is ticking! It took a lot of thinking, debating, throwing the ideas at family, friends and strangers, that maybe I can have a child or two or three on my own! It’s not the standard, typical, North-American, white picket fence, way. But it seemed more responsible than rushing into and forcing a relationship with a man with the main goal of having children. I want a partner that fits into my life without a clock ticking over his shoulder.

Now my thoughts have come to: Do I need a man (life partner) in my life? Do I want a man in my life?

As a woman, I feel compelled to have children. I can’t imagine what I would do with my life if I didn’t have children. Do I feel compelled to be in a relationship with a man? Or is it the want for children that necessitates the man?

Why do I want to be in a relationship with a man? Is it because society has trained me to follow that path? So I’ll fit in with my family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances? I contemplate remaining single and some things that concern me are:
- I’ll need help with things that require more physical strength than I can handle.
- Sometimes it takes 2 people to do things such as mounting a TV, moving large furniture, etc.
- There are so many chores and things to do to maintain a house and life, it’s more manageable with two.
- I miss cuddling with a trusted, romantic partner. That intimacy and feeling safe and cared for in their arms.
- Money. Without a partner, me and my children are dependent on me alone. That’s a lot of pressure and I feel intimidated and exhausted just thinking about it. However, I’m a determined person and I’ll dig in my heels. It would feel a little less overwhelming to share that responsibility and anxiety with someone.
- I’m going to have to learn to ask for and accept the help of others regularly and try not to feel bad about it.
- How do I work and raise a child (or 3)? These are both full-time jobs.
- Do I have to sell my house and move into something more affordable?
- Do I hire a live-in nanny? Can I deal with having a roommate? How can I afford this?
Does a man feel compelled to be in a relationship with a woman? Does a man feel compelled to have children? Or does he feel compelled to have a wife and children with the woman’s role being the caretaker of the children and his role is to provide security and support for the family?

A man that I know parted ways with his ~3-year girlfriend in the spring. He then moved back to his home province and quickly got immersed in the local culture. After a few months, he found himself in another “unofficial” relationship. As the bustle of summer events settled down, with time to recognize what was happening, he formally ended the unofficial relationship.

How did this happen and why did he get into this relationship so soon after the end of his previous relationship? He said he was going to take some time to himself, figure out who he is and what he wants. Take things slow. But he didn’t. Why?
Lonely but not Alone

November 7th, 2023

My parents and 3 siblings all live within 3 hours’ drive. I have 2 cats. I have a few friends that I keep in touch with weekly and others that I phone a few times a year. I run an Airbnb in my home occasionally. I live in a nice neighbourhood with people to wave at or say “hello” to when I’m in the yard. I work with a small team that I communicate and collaborate with daily, either online or in-person. My work also involves talking to different stakeholders on a regular basis. I’m not alone. But I am lonely.

On a scale of 1-5, the level of emotional intimacy that I feel within these relationships is: Family: 2.5 to 3.5, Work and Neighbours: 1 to 2, Friends: 3 to 5. I am deeply grateful for my friend, Thyra, with whom I have the most emotionally intimate relationship. Unfortunately, I left her behind in Alberta when I returned to my home province of Nova Scotia in 2019. Thankfully, we’re able to keep in touch by phone or video-chat on a weekly or bi-weekly basis.

I have hobbies and I get out of the house. I recently returned home from a 10-day trip to visit my parents and brothers. We were out at events every second day, surrounded by people and music. I go sailing every Wednesday evening, spending time on the boat with three fairly new acquaintances and a an hour in the clubhouse afterwards surrounded by other sailors and club members. In the Fall, I’ll return to playing badminton twice a week with a great group of (intimacy level 1-2) friends.

Being single and owning a home, I do spend a fair amount of time alone or with my two cats. Physically, I don’t mind being alone.

I want a family. I want that family to include a loving and devoted, best-friend husband, two or three children and a small pet. But I’m single.

I think I mind that there’s not somebody in my life that is devoted to me, that cares on a day-to-day basis that I exist, that’s wondering how I am, what I’m doing. I guess that person would be my life partner, the person that I could make plans with and move towards that family with children.

I feel empty. I feel like I’m biding my time, waiting for another part of life to start. I continue to purposely put myself out there (badminton, sailing, events, travel, keeping in touch with family and friends), but it all feels like I’m just filling time.

It wouldn’t fix things to find just any man to be in my life. The relationship has to come with a deep connection. I’m not sure that the connection that I seek is even realistic.

So, what is loneliness? It’s not a result of physically being alone.

Would another friendship at a Level 5 in emotional intimacy allow me to feel less lonely? That seems doubtful…

I think it’s inside me.

I’m not sure how to feel less lonely but it makes the most sense to me that it would be something inside me. Though, I don’t think I’m quite ready to let go of my feeling of loneliness. There is a certain comfort right now in feeling down.

Maybe I can write down my wants, needs, goals, aspirations, continue to work towards them and still welcome and allow this feeling of loneliness. It seems like what I’ve been doing for at least the past year anyways.

An unhelpful side-thought that always creeps in, “You’re so fortunate in your life. There are people out there that don’t have what you have so how can you be feeling bad for yourself because you feel lonely? Other people have it worse. So suck it up and be grateful and thankful for all you have. There’s no need to feel sad or lonely.”

Yesterday, I was feeling particularly lonely. I packed my (wildlife) camera gear into my truck and headed for a nearby provincial park that I hadn’t been to yet. I walked around to check things out, scoping it out for signs of wildlife and for ideas for Thyra’s visit later in August. It was a warm and sunny summer day and the park was filled with families and young kids. But I felt so alone.

Does it have to do with the level of emotional intimacy we have with others? How many relationships do you have to have with a high level of emotional intimacy? Is it more based on the percentage of your life’s time that you’re spending with those people?

Or is it not having that person in your life that cares about what you’re doing daily? That person that you come home to or can call to tell about your day, or about that interesting thing you saw or that terrible experience you had.

What if I could be that person that cared about what I was doing daily? Then what would be the point to life? Let’s try this thought exercise another day..

P.S. I wrote this first blog post back in August and didn’t publish it until today, November 7th. I’m the type of person that thinks I can’t make anything official until it’s perfect! But here we go anyways… PUBLISH!

I’m Not Worthwhile, or Maybe That’s Not True

What Compels You to Seek a Relationship?

Lonely but not Alone